Third time should be the charm, right? It’s the 2020 Superbowl Commercial Watch-a-rama or whatever I wrote up there. For the uninitiated, it goes like this; I force-watch all of the commercials and write something about the top and bottom five. I’m as much an expert as any other schlub, so what the hell. It’s pretty easy again this year because my team, the Washington Redskins, came up a little short, allowing me to focus not on the game but on the truck commercials, the halftime fiasco, Joe Buck’s hair transplants and my carefully timed bathroom breaks.

This Superbowl should be a high scoring deal with the offenses we’ll see. You probably don’t remember last year’s game because everyone fell asleep in the 3rd quarter. It ended with the Rams not scoring a touchdown at all and the Patriots tip-toeing their way to a 6th title while America slept. Even the lifelike Jim Nance was slipping in and out, but I’m hopped up on coffee and Harvey’s Bristol Crème so let’s get this 4-hour slog started.

* Note: the other side of my family expected the Ravens to be playing today, so I’m staying away.

TOP FIVE: Here we go! The cream of the very expensive crop. 30 seconds this year ran you $5.6 million which sounds made up, like Jeff Flake or Mountain Dew Zero Sugar.

JEEP: Groundhog Day
Bill Murray returning to his character from the movie and making best friends with the ground hog removes all the cynicism from the first 3/4 of the movie and replaces it with a great, fun and pretty heartwarming spot that keeps the brand top of mind throughout.
https://youtu.be/AnhzGUcENWo

Rocket Mortgage: Jason Momoa
When likeable giant Jason Momoa first enters his house and loses 6 inches as his boots comes off, I knew something was up, but was still surprised at how far they took it. Having his wife spot him on the bench press was a great finish.
https://youtu.be/g2ERWFMLptw

Patrick Mahomes Fun Fact: Patrick has his own clothing line which includes fun hats and sort of ugly jewelry!

Mountain Dew Zero Sugar: The Shining
A great weird spot for a weird product. Brian Cranston plays it straight all the way through and Traci Ross’s perfect impression of Shelley Duvall turns a parody spot into a classic. Bonus points for adding the elevator scene and the creepy twins at the end. I’m still never drinking this of course.
https://yout.be/2MkFRkuST84

Hyundai: Smaht Pahk
Boston accents are always funny even when they’re awful. These accents are legit though, and the script is great. Rachel Dratch’s “that’s a ghost cah” at the end seems almost improvised. Online comments on this ad range from great to I want this to be a movie.
https://youtu.be/85iRQdjCzj0

Tide
I’m a sucker for this trick of sneaking one ad into another and Tide has this down. Charlie Day and Emily Hampshire run through 7 (I think) ads including a Wonder Woman 1984 movie trailer. This has to be the most expensive ad of the Super Bowl.
https://youtu.be/jWcg2uGhT88

BOTTOM FIVE: Like Zig Ziglar said “It’s not how far you fall, but how quickly you blame others that counts.”

FOX: The Masked Singer
This is not technically an ad, it’s a promo, but I can’t leave it out because seeing Jenny McCarthy looking like she’s having an aneurysm over a poor has-been in a beaver suit needs to be on the Bottom Five.
I’m not even adding a link here.

Quibi: Bank Heist
What the hell? This is how you introduce a service I’ve never heard of? I’m old but I’m not a moron. I kept waiting for the second half of this spot that never came.
https://youtu.be/N76DzOYxNyo

Pepsi: Zero Done Right
I like Missy Elliot. Everyone likes Missy Elliott. I don’t like Missy Elliott using the Rolling Stones’ Paint It Black to sell another weird version of Pepsi, though. Also this ad felt like it was cut in half or edited for time. Also, OK BOOMER. I get it.
https://youtu.be/ddADu4-A7Io

Jimmy Garoppolo Fun Fact: His teammates call him Aladdin because he looks like the handsome cartoon boy!

Poptarts: Pretzels
Ad is fine, pretty funny. Jonathan Van Ness is funny. Pretzels + Pop-Tarts is a pretty disturbing idea though and that killed this for me.
https://youtu.be/UBKbeNEx4UA

Sabra: Commercial Break
Don’t dip pizza in hummus. For God’s sake.
https://youtu.be/fIUBhdLr1Hc